Relationship

Not tonight, Dear, I’ve got a headache.

Having a baby is exhausting. Not just the giving birth part, but the whole parenting thing afterwards. Suddenly, you are responsible for a whole new person and it is hard. I am still breastfeeding too so I find it draining- although I wouldn’t change it!

By the time Little R is in bed, asleep, and husband and I have eaten and talked (or bonded over some rubbish on the T.V) it’s normally 10 or 11, by which time, I am ready to pass out. Husband, on the other hand, does not go to bed to sleep.

One of the things I have struggled with is having sex after becoming a parent. It has always been quite an important part of our relationship and since having Little R and becoming parents, it has been difficult to get back into our old routine. Whether it is due to my hormones having changed, the anti-depressants I now have to take for my PND, or whether it is pure exhaustion, I have completely lost my sex drive. It is a vicious circle though; we don’t have sex because we are so tired, which makes us argue because husband wants it and I don’t, which then means we don’t have sex because we aren’t getting on.

I didn’t realise that sex was such a large part of our relationship prior to having Little R, until we had her. I’m not even sure that we have anything else in common so it is slightly problematic now we aren’t doing it. We have even become divided on the way that we look at sex. He believes that it is something that should happen, regardless, but I feel that we need to be in a good place before I want to sleep with him.

Whilst being exhausted is the main reason our sex life has dwindled, I have also lost all of my confidence since having Little R. Two years ago, before I fell pregnant, I lost two stone and I was the happiest I had ever been. I now weigh three stone more than I did, I am fat, and I am unhappy. I used to sleep in only my underwear but now I wear my pyjamas even when it is sweltering and I can’t sleep because of the heat. I often joke about how I trip over my breasts but actually, they are disgusting since breastfeeding Little R, they do sag and they are repulsive (think two dog ears with nipples drawn on). I am covered in stretch marks which are vile – I even have them under my arms?!

The longer we are together, the more we seem to take it each other for granted. Husband no longer tells me that he finds me attractive, he never compliments me when I make the effort and put on make up, and he doesn’t notice if I have done my hair. Now, I understand that he is male but he used to be sickeningly nice to me, and he would always tell me I was beautiful. He no longer kisses me when he gets in from work as he used to, and we don’t hold hands in public. I’m sure I also take him for granted but it has definitely impacted on how often we are intimate. Why would I want to sleep with someone who doesn’t even want to kiss me normally?

Until you have a baby, I don’t think you can ever prepare yourself for it, and even the strongest relationships must struggle at the beginning. I am sure that it must get easier but we have always had a dynamic relationship and I think it makes it harder. I do hope that as we both grow – in age and maturity – things will become easier, but I do understand it is not always the case. Time can only tell, I suppose

Has becoming a parent affected your sex life?

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15 thoughts on “Not tonight, Dear, I’ve got a headache.

  1. We have three (2, and one on the way), it gets better! We struggled for a while, rifts were drawn between us, and we grew apart. But it does come back. Hell, it came back enough for us to have two more! You find parenting takes precedence and all the other things step into the light, and you see the imperfections. You’ll get there!!! Xo, Mm.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I hope that you are right, I am hoping to send Little R on her first sleepover in the not so distant future and go away for the evening with my husband. Hopefully it would help to spend an evening just as us! I do hope you’re right though!x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yep. It’s easy to fall into the trap of just not doing it because it’s easier, but put simply you both change a LOT when a baby comes onto the scene and you need to communicate with each other about how those changes are making you feel, about everything. Not just sex. Also, having a baby in a Moses basket about 30cm from your head isn’t conducive to sexy time either! #prettyinplaydough

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  3. I hear you… As a fellow breastfeeding mum I know how it feels, and we have been there too. In many ways we are still there finding our way. I think it will come back. Maybe you could tell him that you’d like to start with kisses and cuddles and see how that feels rather than just doing it quickly because you are tired or you know the baby will wake up any minute. He needs to respect you. Take it slow, be kind to yourself. #prettyinplaydough

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

    PS. Thanks for hosting 🙂

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  4. Wow what an honest post – so much respect for you right now. Have you showed your husband this? He might not have even realised he’s putting pressure in you or stopped complimenting you. Letting him read it instead of saying it will also give him more time to process it and got get distracted by any tears/ anger.
    Also give yourself and your body a break. I used to criticise how I looked all the time and it didn’t make me look any better but I certainly felt like shit. My daughter was my motivation – I’d be devestated if she talked to herself like I talked to myself. Now whenever I feel a criticism coming on I stop myself and think of something positive. I’ve also started doing this with thoughts I have about other people. It doesn’t always work but it has made me feel so much better about myself.
    Take care. #prettyinplaydough

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    1. This is lovely, thank you for taking the time to read it and for such a lovely comment. I actually haven’t but I think I shall, just so he understands. I think that’s an amazing way to look at it, putting myself down won’t change how i look but I have never, ever thought of it like that! Amazing. I think I will remember that and it will make me feel better about life!

      Thank you again xxx

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      1. I think it’s hard to want to be intimate with someone if we don’t feel good about ourselves. If your husband can understand that then he might start being more attentive. It doesn’t just take two to tango, it also takes two to dim the lights and turn the music on.

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  5. I just want to say that this is such a brave and honest post to share in such a public space! You have said things that I would be so afraid to actually publish for the world to know. I mean…my in-laws read my blog! And grandparents too! But really, this has been such a struggle for me since having my daughter. Even after we had the go-ahead from my doctor, I needed to wait. My husband was so patient with me. I was terrified to become intimate after childbirth! I feel like we still haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things. There are so many factors, pure exhaustion from taking care of a growing toddler being one of them. But we are working on it and you will get there too! #PrettyinPlaydough

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    1. Thank you so much. I did ‘uhm and ahh’ about posting it, because my family read it too but it’s life so I just thought ‘sod it’. I can’t be the only one who feels this way hahaha. We actually literally came back from a night away for the first time without Little R and i was amazing to be a couple again, instead of parents. We had such a wonderful time. Don’t get me wrong, we were still asleep by 11 but it was like a real life date and we actually talked about us the whole time, and (how awful) we didn’t spend the whole time discussing Little R. If we can do it, you can too! Thank you for dropping by!

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  6. Well done for writing such an honest post. I’m sure it comes back but I totally understand where you are coming from. Having little one on a sleepover will help, if not with sex then definitely with a good nights sleep!:) I’m not the best one to ask as I’m divorced but I am good with being happy and finding love after divorce!;) I’m sure theres a blog post in there somewhere lol. x

    Mainy – myrealfairy

    #prettyinplaydough

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  7. I really hope things pick up for you. I went through this phase when I was with my daughter dad. I know it’s hard but it sounds like you both need to discuss it with each other and maybe have a little break one night maybe someone could take little R for you to have some time alone xx #prettyinplaydough

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    1. We have literally come back from our first ever night away without Little R, and it was incredible! It was definitely what we needed, and it was nice to relax and think only about ourselves! xxx

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  8. Well done for writing this so fairly and honestly! I had to read it, then go away and think.
    First of all, the arrival of a baby, especially the first, however much wanted and loved, is a sudden and powerful intrusion on the life that both parents have known. As a result, I think new mums often feel inadequate (in many different ways) and also, new dads often feel very insecure. But there’s really a lot in common, and acknowledging common ground is a great way to progress. Both want to love and to feel loved, but ‘say’ this in different ways. This makes it hard to see the true picture, and tends to make it easy to argue.
    Also, the days are very full, but a few moments for a kiss and a cuddle can make an amazing message to send to each other.
    I’ve seen your update in a comment, and I’m glad things are going better!
    Best wishes. 💏👶

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    1. Thank you so much for your response Phil, I really appreciate it. I think you are right. No one warns you how much everything is going to change, and how difficult life is going to be. Now Little R is becoming slightly more independent is is definitely becoming easier but obviously, we are now where near the stage where she can be left on her own.
      We have begun to compromise, even on ridiculous things. I have started to do more house work and he has begun to help more with Little R so it is much better!
      Thank you again 🙂

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