I am currently struggling with life. I feel like I cannot cope and because of this, I am feeling sorry for myself and therefore making myself a million times worse. At the moment, parenting is such a huge effort and I feel like a failure. Now, don’t get me wrong, Little R is not suffering in anyway. She remains to be my whole world, as will always be the case, but it is more exhausting than normal. Fabulously, she has started having tantrums constantly. Over every little thing. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but right now I am taking them to heart. Usually, I can distract her out of her tantrum and the screaming and the tears instantly stop, but once or twice over the last couple of days it has been too much. It has resulted in Little R sobbing, and me sobbing, and everyone being much more emotional than it needs to have been.
I always knew that becoming a parent would be hard, but I did not realise how badly I would be affected with mental health issues. Obviously, I have ups and downs – thankfully, I do not always feel this rubbish but the downs are horrendous. I regularly take them out on my husband (who doesn’t appreciate it) and it often results in arguments. I have a list of things to do which I just cannot do, and he doesn’t always understand. I can see how it is difficult for him to appreciate how I struggle. He works so hard to support both Little R and I and it must be tiring to come home to a moody wife. Recently, however, he has been amazing. Even this evening, when he had finished eating his tea before I had, he then took over feeding Little R so I could eat my meal whilst it was warm. It is the little actions that I always appreciate, and show how much he cares.
Last week, I had a week away without him. I went with my mum, my two sisters and Little R to a holiday cottage in a seaside town called Borth. It was incredible, all my family were fantastic and I had such an amazing, amazing time with them all. It was nice to have a break from being solely Little R’s parent, too. During Little R’s nap, my two sisters (H and J) and I all went into sea and my mum stayed in the house to listen out for Little R. When we had finished in the sea, my mum had been entertaining Little R for about 15 minutes and hadn’t called me in – despite me telling her to. It was amazing to have a break and it was euphoric to be my own person, once again, without having to think about someone else constantly.
The holiday also meant that husband and I had some time apart, which most certainly did us the world of good. We haven’t been getting on brilliantly just recently, and I wondered if our relationship would make it. Being away from him meant I realised how much I love him, how much I missed him and how much I need him. He text me every evening to say goodnight, he rang me multiple times to, not only speak to Little R, but to talk to me, too and when I got back he had made me tea, he had bought me a bottle of Pimms (favourite drink, ever!) and he told me how much he missed and loved me. It was amazing because he wasn’t seeing me as Little R’s parent, but as his wife, and it was actually me that had had missed.
Whilst I am feeling down at the moment, I am aware – as always – that I am lucky to have such wonderful family. My husband is the greatest man I could ever ask for. Whilst he is by no means perfect – but then, who is?! – he tries his hardest and I know that he loves me so much. I am also grateful for my mum and my sisters and even Little R. They are all amazing and they definitely are my whole world.