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Was I good enough today?

I struggled to be a good mum today. You cried a lot and it made me cry. You shouted ‘mumumum’ on repeat, despite knowing lots of other words. I got frustrated. You wouldn’t let me leave you alone and it made me angry. I lost my temper and I shouted. You cried even more. You are teething again, and it makes you clingy, and sometimes I don’t have enough patience. Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I never have any time alone. When you want to join me in the shower every morning, or you want to sit on my knee when I need to use the bathroom, it is difficult. I do try my hardest, but being a mum is the most challenging job that I have ever had.

When I am having a bad day, I forget all the good parts of being a parent. I forget how amazing you are, and how your smile makes my whole day. I forget how tickling you under your chin makes you giggle, and it lights up my whole world. I forget how incredible you are for being able to walk and to talk, when you are so little. I forget how beautiful you look when you fall asleep on my chest. I forget how happy I am when you want to sit on my knee, and to read a book, or to cuddle in to me and watch the television. I forget how your whole face lights up when I walk into a room, or how happy you are when the dog licks your face. I forget how kind you are, and how you are amazing at sharing, even when it is your favourite food, or your favourite toy. I forget how wonderful you are for being able to entertain yourself for long periods of time, when I am busy and I am trying to complete my university work. I forget how much you want to help me; unloading the dishwasher, loading the washing machine, cleaning the floor or the table.

It is easy to forget how amazing you are when I am tired. When I become your mum, my whole life changed, and sometimes it is hard to deal with. Sometimes I can’t deal with the fact that I no longer get alone time, and even just nipping to the shops takes three times as long with a baby in tow. Sometimes I am tired because you haven’t slept through the night, and you are refusing all of your naps.

Once you are in bed though, I have chance to reflect on my parenting throughout the day. I have change to think about how mean I was, and how I should have given you a cuddle when you wanted one, and I should have praised you when you said ‘mumumum’ repeatedly.

I love you. I love all of your qualities and I am aware that you won’t be a baby forever. I know that I need to be more patient, and more loving. I try my hardest to do the best by you, every day, but some days are harder than others.

Was I good enough today?

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16 thoughts on “Was I good enough today?

  1. I feel like this every night. Today I was trying to do ironing and my littlest one wanted me to play with him. He kept trying to drag me to his playroom and I kept saying “No, I have to finish this” and then he sat down on the floor and cried. I was totally undone. I sat down with him and I cradled him in my lap and I just cuddled him until he was ready to go play again. That was one of my [rare] good mom moments. There have been many, many times when I have not done this and I have simply ignored his strop until he’s gotten bored and gone away, or told him that I am too busy. And on those days, I sit on the sofa after the kids have gone to bed and I think about those missed opportunities for play or cuddles and I just hate myself.
    This whole journey is a balancing act, and what I’m learning is that getting the balance right is way trickier than I thought it would be.
    Cut yourself some slack; you’re doing great.
    X

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  2. You will always be an amazing mummy and Gorgeous little one will always love you unconditionally!
    Stop beating yourself up and remember you have made this little person and you are a brilliant mummy.

    Love always
    Mx

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  3. There was a time when my niece knew lots of words but the only word she said was “Mama” (and her mother was the only person she wanted to know from, to the point where she slept in the bed with my sister and my brother in law was on the couch)…she started kindergarten yesterday. My nephew, on the other hand, when we first tried to get him to say “Mama”, would say “Dada” and laugh (he’s two and a half now).

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  4. This is soooooo lovely, I think the same things pretty much every day! Sometimes it’s very hard, no alone time and tiredness means you don’t always function at your best. Reflection is good but don’t give yourself a hard time, I don’t know you but I’m sure you are doing your best. We are all learning how to do this together, us and our children, some days we will fall down, it’s about how you pick yourself up.

    I estimate in any given week I say “tomorrow I will be a better parent” about 3 times! Hang in there.

    xxx #Dreamteam

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  5. We’ve all been there. It’s hard to deal with it all sometimes, especially when it seems to be a constant barage of tantrums and clingy-ness. There’s always tomorrow! #ablogginggoodtime

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  6. You are always good enough. I am so proud of how fantastic you are as a parent. It never stops to be a challenge at times – just wait until she is almost 24! She knows how much she is loved just as you do. xxx

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  7. Yes you were! You did your best. Such an honest, open heartfelt post and I know many mums will identify with this. As a mum to older kids I can say, this will pass! Keep going you are good enough!!! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

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  8. I am 100% with you on this and have definitely had my share of days where I lose my patience but it doesn’t reflect on your abilities as a parent, just a reflection of a bad day/moment and we’re all allowed those! Beautiful post x

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  9. This was such a refreshing blog to read Catherine! We all feel like this and we all have days like this, if people say that they don’t then they are lying. Just keep swimming, you are doing a fab job #prettyraw

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