I struggled to be a good mum today. You cried a lot and it made me cry. You shouted ‘mumumum’ on repeat, despite knowing lots of other words. I got frustrated. You wouldn’t let me leave you alone and it made me angry. I lost my temper and I shouted. You cried even more. You are teething again, and it makes you clingy, and sometimes I don’t have enough patience. Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I never have any time alone. When you want to join me in the shower every morning, or you want to sit on my knee when I need to use the bathroom, it is difficult. I do try my hardest, but being a mum is the most challenging job that I have ever had.
When I am having a bad day, I forget all the good parts of being a parent. I forget how amazing you are, and how your smile makes my whole day. I forget how tickling you under your chin makes you giggle, and it lights up my whole world. I forget how incredible you are for being able to walk and to talk, when you are so little. I forget how beautiful you look when you fall asleep on my chest. I forget how happy I am when you want to sit on my knee, and to read a book, or to cuddle in to me and watch the television. I forget how your whole face lights up when I walk into a room, or how happy you are when the dog licks your face. I forget how kind you are, and how you are amazing at sharing, even when it is your favourite food, or your favourite toy. I forget how wonderful you are for being able to entertain yourself for long periods of time, when I am busy and I am trying to complete my university work. I forget how much you want to help me; unloading the dishwasher, loading the washing machine, cleaning the floor or the table.
It is easy to forget how amazing you are when I am tired. When I become your mum, my whole life changed, and sometimes it is hard to deal with. Sometimes I can’t deal with the fact that I no longer get alone time, and even just nipping to the shops takes three times as long with a baby in tow. Sometimes I am tired because you haven’t slept through the night, and you are refusing all of your naps.
Once you are in bed though, I have chance to reflect on my parenting throughout the day. I have change to think about how mean I was, and how I should have given you a cuddle when you wanted one, and I should have praised you when you said ‘mumumum’ repeatedly.
I love you. I love all of your qualities and I am aware that you won’t be a baby forever. I know that I need to be more patient, and more loving. I try my hardest to do the best by you, every day, but some days are harder than others.
Was I good enough today?