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Lucky.

Have you ever felt so low that you couldn’t get out of bed in the morning? That to shower drained you of every bit of energy that you had ever felt? That you didn’t think you would be able to get through that night, let alone the next day, and the next week? Because three months ago my husband made me and my daughter homeless, and that’s exactly how I felt. Even breathing was an effort and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I was living in a Travelodge, with no fridge, no cooker and no money. Before I left, my husband told me that no one loved me and no one cared for me, except him, and that I should run away with him. My dad, ever the supportive, loving father, told me that I was the ‘lowest of the low’ and no one would ever help me, which was something I was already feeling, and I couldn’t shake his words. I literally felt as though I had no one.

I wanted to write so desperately, but I didn’t want to criticise my husband, in case I upset him, and I didn’t want people to know the absolutely shitty situation that I had found myself in. I was ashamed of where I was, and the position that I was in. In hindsight, it was the first mistake I made. Writing has always made me feel better. Even if I hadn’t have made it public, it would have put things into perspective for me, and I wouldn’t have felt quite as terrible as I did. I’m not ashamed of the situation that I was in now, either. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not criticising my husband, I’m writing down the facts, and if his behaviour is something that he doesn’t like being shared, he shouldn’t have behaved in that way.

The last time I wrote was the beginning of the year, and I was determined to make 2017 ‘my year’. Fabulously, that is exactly what has happened. I have my own flat with my own little garden, I am slowly weaning myself off the medication that I take and I am happy. For the first time, in such a long time, I am truly, truly, happy on my own. What has come to light, however, are the amount of people that are there for me. (Most of) my family and my friends were my anchor. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing and kind people, who are my absolute saviours. People have dropped everything to help me, and it is incredible. I know that the people around me love me, and I have never felt so wanted before. I might have lost my husband, but I have found myself and I have never been so fortunate.

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